When R1 was little (3 – I was pg with R2) I had some great counseling sessions with another mom, a PRO at Gentle Discipline. I just found this document where I had taken notes from one of our phone sessions and wanted to share it to help others and to help remind me of the tools to have in my box.

Well if his anger is showing itself in a need to throw, create an *acceptable* throwing opportunity. Beanbags into a corner with mom right there to keep him focused that way is a good one. So are “soft
ball” wars if you’re into that. My oldest & I would go into his room (where there was nothing breakable) and get out 10 soft-stuffed balls & totally go at it – throwing them at eachother in mock-battle. We’d
start grumpy & finish up laughing our butts off I’d shelter the baby behind me – he’d watch & coo

Getting into the bath & having a splash fight can also satisfy that need to feel like he’s throwing. Water is also often intrinsically calming to intense children, so that helps, too.

Keep in mind that *just* kicking, stomping and throwing is a blessing – many children this age go straight for you, fists swinging! Your goal is to keep safe boundaries (no hurting others, self or property) and
help him release his anger, and gradually (over several years) guide him toward acceptable outlets. One step at a time.

Other outlets:
~Drawing an angry picture (sit & draw with him – make your picture mad too )

~Punching a pillow, the bed, or “air punching”

~Naming the feelings – you can help him – “You’re *really* mad! Can you yell, “Mommie I’m sooooo maaaaaaad!” Get into it – it will help him have permisisson to name scary feelings. Afterall, being mad at mommie *is* scary – and if he knows you aren’t scared of it, he’ll deal with it better.

~Stomping someplace quieter – on the bed. This usually turns into jumping

~Kicking pillows – on the bed is pretty safe. This might turn into some good falling down & attacking the bed, too.

~Name and reflect – Tell him what you see & what emotion it shows. Many many children don’t pick up what the names are for feelings that intense – they just know they feel out of conctrol & it’s scary. Naming the feelings gives them a sense of control, and they realize that you accept them *even* when they are mad. That takes a lot of the anger out of them. “You look really mad – I can tell because you’re stomping and yelling! Mom wouldn’t let you have X and you’re maaaaaad about it!”

~Give him a “scale” of comparison for his mad – this also gives him a sense of control. “Wow are you mad! Are you *this* mad? (hold your hands apart) Or THIS mad? (hold them further)”

~Give him in fantasy what he can’t have in reality. “You want that toy sooooo bad. If you had it, you’d play with it forever. It’s hard not to have it! What would you do with it if it didn’t have to stay in the
store?”

~With children who see humor everywhere in the world, you can help them control their anger with making it playful. This only works if you’re not afraid of their anger & *truly* honor it!!!! If you’re playful to
try to get them not to be mad – it won’t work But if you’re playful to give them an outlet, many children really grab onto that. “Wow, is that the loudest you can yell?? I bet tigers roar louder! (mom roars
like a tiger) Ha! I’m a loud tiger!” Many children love to do some one-ups-manship of this kind. How big is your anger? How loud can you yell? How far can you throw? How high can you jump? How big can you
stomp?

~Fantasy Revenge! When my boys were 3.5 and 6 we had about a year where we’d get into gross-out one-ups-manship. One of them would start to rage, and I’d jump right in with, “You’re so mad you want me to DIE???? OH NO!!!! Would you toss me off the top of a skyscraper? Would I go SPLAT? Would my eyeballs kersplooooode?????” They LOVED it!

The fact that I wasn’t afraid of their fantasy “revenge” on mom’s strong boundaries & high standards and the fact that I’d out do their imaginations cracked them up! It also bonded us – I was “imagining
myself a little boy” – and they felt that I understood and respected their fantasy life. More importantly, though, it gave them permission to act out their anger in fantasy however they wanted to, and permission
to be truly angry and know that mom could handle it, and that *they* could handle it. And my boundary or high standard expectation remained – I didn’t give in, and the strong feelings were diffused.